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Herman
and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in
their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every
morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would
cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her
that he couldn't help it.
She
begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband
wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function,
and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with
her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't
stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."
The
years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore
her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning.
Before
dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas
pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking
out the turkeys innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might
solve her husband's problem.
With
a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly
walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was
still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back
her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her
husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs
to finish preparing the family meal.
Several
hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This
was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps
as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself
and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years
of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About
twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants
with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and
she asked him what was the matter.
"Honey,"
he said. "You were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen
to you."
"What
do you mean?" asked Martha.
"Well,
you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days
and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers,
I think I got them all back in.
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